Control

A couple of months ago,  things were really tough, just little things in everyday life that pile up.  It may have had something to do with the time of my life combo with a hectic schedule.. or my quite possibly my outlook on life, I’m not entirely sure, but I knew I had to get a grip on things or we would have a bad spiral of badness. I kind of just need to vent I guess, because I feel like few people are listening to what I have been saying lately. Who really wants to hear what I have to say? So I guess that’s why I have a blog, to just talk and who ever wants to actually take the time to read it can do so, but I never get any comments!! *hint hint! I wanted to change around my blog since it has clearly been unused lately (like almost an entire year) so now I have changed it both literally and symbolically. Just wasn’t ready to let it go but now I’m ready to start writing again and take back my life! My first two years in college have been eye-opening but also very busy where I have a difficult time finding time to do anything, assignments, rehearse or write a blog! I used to be so “with it.” I had semi-good study habits pre-college, to the point where I could at least maintain good grades, I was full of energy, I think I was inspiring, happy, a go-getter I guess, and now, going into college, I am not any of those things anymore. I feel like I have let practically everyone down in my life, multiple times. I couldn’t seem to remember things easily. I just can’t believe how off I have gotten. It makes me sad, the answer is simple though, just change the way I’m looking at things, and the things I’m looking at will change ;). I used to preach that to everyone. The world is how you think it is, if you don’t like it, think differently and change it. We all have the power to do so, but lately I seem to have lost that ability and am searching for it. I just don’t know where it is. I’m looking. I’m going to get counseling, I think it will help me organize my life in categories maybe, and I can focus on them one at a time, and eventually, I can be back to normal. The people I have met this year, really don’t know the real me. What the heck happened to get my life so out of whack!? College? First semester was wonderful, I loved what I was doing for myself, it felt good to be expanding my brain, and to be concentrating on my passion, as well as being social and finally out of that damn high school atmosphere! All good things. I didn’t study as hard as I should have, I think that’s maybe one reason things went awry, because I then started to fall behind. Feeling challenged. Being challenged is a good thing, but it was so much challenge, it forced me to give up. I no longer had time to devote to certain things like self analyzation, and kapooie! out the door my character went. Then I was sleepy all the time. Failing a majority of my classes and it all seemed just too fierce to face. Then a grand opportunity hit, just by meeting one person in Wal Mart who seemed to have a little faith in me and gave me hope for a brighter tomorrow, that I could have a great future, and feel happy, if I just worked for it! It instilled something in me, a drive to do better and to try! I am so thankful he approached me. I would have hated to see what would have happened to me if I stayed in that sorrowful state of mind for just a couple months longer. Misery loves company!! That saying couldn’t prove anymore true now having experienced that rough patch of my life. Now I am taking vitamins and excersizing, feeling so much better about myself and THINKING POSITIVE!! That really is the trick. Build yourself up everyday to instill a sense of authority and eliminate the negatives we tell ourselves! Choose to be positive, make a choice to be happy-and you (I actually am referring to myself.. but YOU too) strive to do that, there’s not a doubt in my mind we couldn’t do it. It’s really just about taking control of your life, and with that comes taking responsibility for all of the things we cause ourselves! Nobody but yourself to blame. Then once you figure out how to do that, one has to actually keep it going, consistently! Yea sure, it’s a challenge but you will have a great result from doing so, reap many rewards!! Every day I strive to perform good and be remembered in the best of ways. I need to generate some positive affirmations I can re-read everyday to succeed and win and pull myself up out of this funk. I am strong and I cannot fail!

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A new type of communication

The other day I was talking with my mom about music, she doesn’t know a whole lot on the subject, no more than most people, little black dots on lined paper that make rhythms and is then called a song. Some may know a little more or less. But I was onto something with music theory and was trying to the best of my ability to relay the information to her, so she would understand. Then, something amazing happened. It wasn’t just inventive listening, although that’s what most people would call it, instead our minds really connected, she understood what I was saying even knowing next to nothing about music. It was because she was listening the way she was. It’s really quite difficult to explain but from that point we were both amazed and decided to explain this weird phenomenon of listening. It was hard to come up with the right sentence structure so I began to just write random words that described the energy we were feeling. Now that I have this big brainstorm of words, I’m going to try to make something of it: When someone is trying to communicate something not so easy to another, all they have to do is lock into one another. For one thing, the person receiving the information must have a desire to hear it, otherwise nothing will work, if they truly want to understand they try harder to understand; simple concept. And of course, the person explaining must be serious and enthusiastic so the listener doesn’t become bored. Two main guidelines.

K, so then our heads connected.  Her open imaginative intelligent  mind followed me, trusted me that my words would lead her to another place, where she would visualize what I was saying. We both focused on the thoughts, not only on the same page, but on the same line and everything, if you get my metaphor! We were mentally sharing the same ideas. At the time this seemed so huge, because we were both so involved, truth be told I’ve never connected with anyone like that before, I can’t wait to do it again, especially that now that I have experienced that, I know our minds are capable of so much more! When someone is so focused on what I’m saying, something amazing happens. Or maybe next time I will be the listener and someone else will be the speaker explaining something complex to me, and I will understand EXACTLY what they are trying to portray to me. I know this doesn’t sound that great but it really was! Alright so it was my mind and her mind took a trip up up to higher conscientiousness, the place of infinite possibilities. Our minds created a bridge to one another. Everything ever created, everyone’s beliefs and thoughts (shaped by society) was below us for a couple of moments, as long as it took to establish this subject. Under the bridge linking our minds together was a waterfall of all the things I was saying. Like all waterfalls, it had mist, the mist, I like to think, represented the ideas and concepts we absorb from mentally sharing these ideas. My mind took it even farther and pictured little fearies flying around in the mist and in the waterfall that represented little subthoughts we would encounter from just saying words, for instance, at one moment I said pause, as I tried to gather my thoughts so I could better explain and then a sub_though came into my mind that said need a twix, because I wrote the two lines for the pause symbol and it reminded me of the twix commercials and then I wrote as if replying, “yes.” That was a sub-thought. Then we remembered exactly what we were saying. Our minds were so competent and able to keep up with each other. Of course this feeling had to come to an end, I had all these words written on the paper and had to do something with them, so this is it. A new kind of communication!

The Perplexity of People

For some reason I am so astounded by other people, now this could get a little confusing, I’ll try and keep it simple…. We are so interesting. The resemblance in our behaviors to that of animals is so baffling. The masculinity and femininity in nature, in animals, and in people is quite appalling and perfect in my eyes. Representations of the divine! What is really quite astonishing about people is their own sense of unique-ness, the individuality that is in everybody.  I think one’s style should be admired (for those that have it anyway), it makes them who they are, it’s what they want to put out to the world. Then there’s body shape! We’re all so similar but body shapes, emotions, intentions, lifestyles, ect. make us so different from one another. Personalities! Some people are hilarious, some kind hearted, some people are spunky (those are my favorite, there’s just something about spunky people, they are like a people magnet, everyone wants to be around them, constantly, what makes that person so likable? I would like to know!) some are rude and haven’t figured out how to cope in this world and manage things, sadly. Everyone is just so interesting! Mingling, getting to know one another is so much fun, to see into that persons mind, heart, and soul.  (providing they open up to you and let you, that’s another story). Learning how to contend to one another, it takes quite a while actually.  I like the up close and personal things about people, and life: talking about stuff that makes you uncomfortable, obtaining a deeper understanding of everyone, sometimes vulnerability happens and insecurity; but those things are necessary for life. You may be thinking I’m strange for actually liking that but the way I see it is you have to go through those feelings, you have to discover them, learn from them and the feeling it gives you is actually really cool, it’s basically just stepping outside of your comfort zone, which needs to happen a little bit in life, either willingly go with it or it’s gonna happen anyway, might as well anticipate it than have it catch you off guard uh? I’m getting off track here aren’t I? Okay, all these differences should be celebrated, and I just love them, individuality, the way some people are just beautifully sculpted… I love it all. Eyelashes, feet, the curvature of feet, the delicacy of fingers and hands, hands being able to craft so much, the way hands look gripping a coffee cup, or writing. Specific people come to mind when thinking about this: my boyfriends Mom, Andy’s Sister! Both have very nice hands, admirable. I like my own, just not as much as other people’s. Then there’s Zeke’s, the opposition of mine, the masculine. Wow. People in general are just amazing. Seriously! I’m so perplexed by human life I can’t even begin to describe it! Serious. I’ve been working on this blog for months! Just saving it in my drafts, adding to it sometimes copy and pasting things all over the place to make it flow more easily…. That’s why it’s so scatter-minded, because every time I sit down to write it I’m in a different mind frame! But all in all, I love people and think that individuals should celebrate more, celebrate human life, for it is GRAND! It doesn’t seem recognized enough, it should be a daily ritual, to honor one’s self and other individuals we come into contact with every day. It really is great and I feel people undermind it.

Just Imagine!

Great things can be accomplished when people get together, communicate, and work with each other. Look what we have accomplished so far, society has come a long way. We are so beautiful! Interaction among people is quite interesting, sociology would be extremely  fun to study! I was in a large group of people all about my age and we were not interacting whatsoever. I couldn’t figure out what the social barrier was, were they so uncomfortable or shy that they really didn’t want to talk? They were so negative, it seemed, about being there, never mind the situation, but they had the choice to come or not, so if they didn’t want to be there they didn’t have to be, but they were, so participate! You were here to enjoy yourself, to learn something. I personally loved the meeting, I was able to meet new people, I was becoming much more comfortable with who I am and with that, my fear is turning into interest. Anyway, the group thing, was the cause of their behavior because of our society? Is our culture teaching us to be closed to others, sometimes even rude to those that we are not familiar with or with those that are different than us. Now maybe they are just young and incomprehensible to the fact that they are uncomfortable and shy, and I can relate to that about a year and a half ago, I was very shy. Also, a person cannot be pushed into something they are not ready to do, but if it is our culture or society, don’t you think it’s time for us to evolve? Again, look how far we’ve come as humans, and look where we are socially, it’s time to move on, become more friendly and kind towards one another, there’s good in all of us, let’s spread it around. Now let me stop for a moment, I’m not trying to say everyone is rude or unfriendly, I’m putting everyone, more directly, American society, in a group and I’m doing that based off the majority of my observation and my will to make a point. I digress, if this same unfriendly behavior continues in our society, where is this going to lead us? How are we supposed to accomplish more great things if we can’t communicate properly?? We need to celebrate differences, turn fear into interest like I did!  We also need to stop being greedy in this materialistic world in which we live. Some can be so rude, if we put that same energy into creating love and embracing our differences, our races, our cultures, and morals, mix them, we could evolve into much more kind creatures, we are all worth so much more, we need to recognize that within ourselves and become a better society! I know we can do this! I’d like to recognize Micheal K., I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know him, he is a brilliant individual and basically gave me the food for thought for this blog, he brought up a lot of interesting points and I put them into my own thoughts and elaborated them but many thanks to him, for sharing this part of his mind with me. Thanks Micheal! And the guy from the FBI….!

My music, my passion, my LIFE

Every once and a while there will be a piece of music, within that piece I find the most dazzling form of content. I literally lose myself within the piece. It is wonderful and it has happened to me a mere two times in my music career (just to give some perspective as to how rare it is for me). That’s not very many but I’m glad it doesn’t happen too often because it makes it more of an extraordinary experience when it does happen. So what is this feeling like you ask? I am not thinking about anything else. Everything around me isn’t there, all my worries no longer exist for a few slight moments. It is just me and the music. I look at the sheet of paper with all the little dots and lines and the unique pattern each makes. Playing is no longer a challenge, it just flows out of me like my nature. There is just me, my instrument and the music. I connect very deeply with the sounds I’m making. Nothing could make me quit playing. In that moment I have one objective: to make those little black notes dance across the page. I become one with the music. I close my eyes, I have goosebumps and I cry but not tears that belong to any one type of emotion, just tears, empathetic tears for the music and maybe just a hint of how overwhelming the feeling is, I CAN PLAY! I call them tears of music. Now remember, this doesn’t happen all the time, just once in awhile when there’s that perfect little piece that just touches me in that unique way. It’s very personal and it is why I really decided to play music for the rest of  my life, this feeling was so good I thought “this is what I am made to do!” If I could do this as a career why would I wanna do anything else! Gosh that moment, that moment is why I play music. I am assuming any other musician out there has or will experience something similar. Such a personal moment. I hope everyone has the opportunity to experience something like that in their lifetime, whatever it is you do may you find the same passion as I do in my music!

The Illustrious Treasure (and the hunt it takes to find it)

Within each and every person there is something so radiant and obscure. Getting to that, locating that treasure can be quite the challenge and sadly many people give up and never find that treasure. Every person shells themselves in some form or another. Years of traumatic events build up and stick with us which results in people building a wall and never letting that emotion, flaw, or emotional flaw show again. That is perhaps one of the worst things somebody can do! So many emotions flying around, how are we supposed to know what to do with them all? If they are put in the wrong direction emotions have the power to destroy; they take a hold of someone, they have the capability of taking complete authority over someone and can lead them to lie, cry, steal, cheat, rape, jump, dance,  laugh, hide, hate, come out, freak out, and many, many other things, so they’re not necessarily easy to deal with but it is crucial they are dealt with, for if ignored you can imagine what kind of life is that going to lead!? Through careful, constructive thinking and many hours of meditation, that beautiful, obscure little thing that lies underneath all that stuff can be located and a truly exquisite person can be discovered. Imagine what you can do for the world and the greater good of all concern when you find this reserve? All of your life’s experiences turned around and used in the right direction! Life is a treasure hunt to find the “person” you really are. And believe me people, it’s in there, in each and every one of us!